#2408
<A daring escape, or not...>
Date: 09/02/2002
From: Tork_110
<Tork sneaks into the room that Lita6969 is being held in.>
Tork: Ok, Lita6969...
Lita6969: HI TORKY!!
Tork: SHH! PM is unconscious right now and I don't want PM's henchmen to hear us. We don't have much time.
Lita6969: Oh, I see! :o)
Tork: ... I didn't mean that.
<Lita6969 is disappoined, and remember: I typed that because that's within her character, not because I have a huge ego.>
[We'll be right back....And we're back.]
6969: So... Tork.
<6969 has been tied to a chair since the last time we
talked to her. She doesn't seem to mind.>
Tork: Uh... yes, Lita6969?
6969: You joined PM?
Tork: Not on purpose!!
6969: Ok,
Tork: It was an accident!!
6969: What happened?
Tork: <Trying hard to sound manly and not really
succeeding> His henchmen... threatened to beat me
up...
6969: No! Oh, Poor Torky! How awful!
Tork: I know!
6969: But they seem so sweet! How could they?
Tork: Look!
<He poins to Sam and Buffalo>
Buffalo: Yew know what would maike this plaice look
reeeally classy?
Sam: What is that, Good Buddy?
Buffalo: A gun rack! WAAAAAHOOOOOEEEEE!11!1!!
<Sam and Buffalo laugh. Tork looks at 6969.>
6969: Ok. I see your poin... This must be so hard
on a nice guy like you! Have you been forced to do
any evil deeds?
Tork: Well, I tied you to this chair.
6969: That doesn't count.
Tork: It doesn't? Uh... ok... Well, they told me I
have to give them some pictures of Lita's knees...
But I haven't done that yet... I think they're
getting impatient.
6969: Oh, well that's easy, Sugar! You can take some
pictures of my knees!
Tork: Oh, I can't do that, Lita6969.
6969: Sure you can! I don't mind!
Tork: Well, the problem with that is... see... They
said they didn't want a picture of your knees. They
want Lita9000's knees.
6969: What? What's wrong with my knees?
Tork: Nothing!
6969: <looking at her knees> I think my knees look
all right...
Tork: They're fine! It's just Buffalo specifically
requested no clone knees.
6969: <pouting in Buffalo's general direction>
Well... I don't like his knees either.
Tork: *I* happen to think you have very nice knees!
6969: Thanks, Torky! Say... What are you doing
later?
[We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor....Wow, wasn't that a great commercial, kids?]
<Tork unties Lita6969.>
Tork: I'm getting you out of here.
Lita6969: Will you be coming with me?
Tork: No. I can't let GROPE see me with this. <poins to the tag on his chest>
Lita6969: Why don't you take the costume off? :o)
Tork: ... Can we please change the subject?
Lita6969: Ok. <notices one of the many Nuveena posters> I remember her. Whatever happened to you two?
Tork: .... The exit is that way.
<Tork sneaks out of the room and quietly sneaks towards an exit. Tork is on his tiptoes and is bent over. Lita6969 has no idea why, but she thinks it's cute.>
Tork: <quietly> Ok, we're almost there. Just a few more steps and...
<Tork notices a Billy Bass on the wall.>
Tork: Ugh, I hate these things.
<Despite what he just said, he's staring at it, and he feels compelled to push the button.>
Tork: I know I shouldn't do this, but...
<Tork pushes the button on the Billy Bass.>
Billy Bass: DON'T WORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!11!1111
Lita6969: EEK!
Tork: SHH!
PM: Ah ha!
Billy Bass: BE HAPPY!!!!!11!!!!!!111!!!!!!111
PM: My air-tight security system caught you, and now....
Billy Bass: o/' Oooooooooh oooh ooh ooh ooh oooh ooh ooh .... o/'
<PM waits several minutes for the damn thing to shut off.>
PM: Tie our robot friend up.
Lita6969: I'll do it!!
<Tork is tied up. PM is pacing the room taunting him.>
PM: Now, what should we do about our traitor?
Nabut: Execute him?
Nick: Brainwash him?
Tork: Tell him your evil plans?
PM: No. Let's torture him! Rick, get some booze, and hold it in front of his face. Rick? Rick?! <6969's giggling can be heard> ARGH! I'll deal with him later. I have another idea.
<PM's henchmen bring in a pile of Tork's posters.>
PM: Make me miss Fern, will you? Tear them apart!
<PM's henchmen rip the posters apart, one after another.>
Tork: No! Not the one where Nuveena is driving a car. Not the one where she's driving another car!! Stop it!!
<RIP!! TEAR!! and so forth...>
Tork: Not the one with Lita's knees!! Oh, I guess I had a picture of Lita's knees after all.
Buffalo: Aw, shoot.
Tork: PLEASE!! Don't tear that last poster!! It's my favorite.
PM: Oh, I won't.
Tork: *phew*
PM: Buffalo will.
Tork: I should have seen that cliche coming.
<Buffalo tears apart the poster where Nuveena is wearing a pancake on her head.>
Tork: NO! NOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOGGRRRARRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!
PM: What the?!
<Tork starts transforming.>
PM: Maybe that wasn't such a good idea.
Tork: (turns into a bear) TORKY MAD!!
<Tork breaks the rope with his bear strength.>
Buffalo: WAHHHHOOO...hoo?
<Tork mauls Buffalo.>
PM: Ok, maybe he'll be loyal to me.
<Tork grabs the tag on his costume and breaks it in his bear hands.>
PM: Guys? I think we should RUUUUUN!!
Cowritten by Carmelita9000, so I'll include her taglines.
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
#2409
STG: You can't take my duck away!!!!!
Date: 09/02/2002
From: MickeyTheGardener
I love him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rex: Woah, woah, woah....I *like* you....ah, who am I kidding, I can't stand you
STG: R...really?
Cop #1: Look, there's no jury in the world that'll convict a duck.
Cop #2: Maybe Texas.
STG: Mickey's wrong! I can prove it! Just don't take away my duck!
Cop #1: Look, we promise not to do anything to the duck if you just...get out of here.
STG: But...but...
Cop #2: Hey, who wants barbecued duck?
STG: Bye! (leaves)
(A minute passes)
Rex: So.......
Cop #1: Yup.
Rex: Ever hear my Seinfeld impression?
Cop #2: Can we get him out of here? I'm sick of looking at him.
Rex (To Cop #1): You heard him! Get going....(Looks to see that the cops aren't amused) Heh heh...that's just...a little joke there.
Cop #1: I know. Let's send him to the "place".
Cop #2: Yeah. He'll like the "place".
(Cops laugh)
Rex: Hey, what's so funny? Eep.....
(Meanwhile....)
Mickey: I'm home! *sniff* What's that?
Lita: Pie.
Mickey: I see....so, did you miss me?
Rimmi: You were gone?
Mickey: Nevermind.
Evil Mike (Cracks his knuckles): I missed you!
Mickey: Eep!
(Meanwhile, still....)
(A crate is thrown very carelessly into an airplane)
Rex (From inside of the crate): AFLAC!
(Three days later, the crate is dropped out of the plane. It shatters as it hits the ground)
Rex: Blah! Some flight! I couldn't even get any peanuts! Where the hell am I, anyway?
Grimace: You're on the Island of Misfit Commercial Spokescreatures!!!
Rex: Really! I want to play with the talking tub of butter!
Parkay: PARKAY!!!!
The bespectacled Mickey T. Gardener
Bboard Nice Guy
President of the I Hate Dawn Club
President of the John Lee Supertaster Fan Club
Post Narc x4
There. A happy ending for the duck...*grumble, grumble*
#2410
Three stories in one reply! Big savings!
Date: 09/03/2002
From: ServoTheGreat
(After entering GROPE HQ)
Mickey: Nice to see you guys. Oh, and I have this guy handcuffed to me...
STG: Oh, I get it. You're letting me into GROPE now! This was all set up, just so you could get me here, and make me a member. How nice.
EM: WHAT!? You're letting him in!
Lita: Um, I'm sorry, but we're not letting you in. Infact, once we get these handcuffs off, we're throwing you out.
STG: Oh, drop the act, Lita. I get it. I'm a member.
Rimmer: Look, STG, before you get really hurt, let me tell you, WE ARE NOT MAKING YOU A MEMBER!
STG: What are you saying....
EM: You're not allowed in.
STG: What are you getting at...
Gramps: We don't want you here.
STG: What tree are you barking u--
Rimmer: (Cuts him off) DAMMIT! YOU'RE NOT A MEMBER, NOW OR EEEVVVVVVEEEEERRRRRRR!!!!
STG: (Kinda sad) Oh.... (Now happy) Well, while I'm stuck to Mickey, I'm in GROPE!
Rimmer: That won't be much longer, HIIIIIIYYAAAAHHH!!! (Hits the chain on the hand cuffs with the sword, nothing happens)
Rimmer: The hell?
Gramps: Eh, there's a tag on it, 'These handcuffs are made of Molecular-Grafted-Titanium-Atomized-Super-Steel: Virtually Unbreakable.' Dang, dems is some strong hand cuffs.
Lita: I know. Call PM. He probably has something to break it with. (Picks up the phone and calls PM) Hmm... No one's picking up, I guess they're all out.
STG: Well, take your time. I'll just move in, while you're waiting.
EM: *ERHEM*
STG: Or, I'll just stand here.
(Meanwhile at MSTBlanca, madness reigns as Tork has transformed into beefy Tork( Not to be confused with slim Tork or Fat Tork) after witnessing the destruction of his prized Nuveena posters)
Tork: (Just kinda standing there grunting)
Nabut: (Whispers) Boss, why don't you speak to it. Calm it down before it kills us!
PM: Okay. (Speaking slowly) T-O-R-K. T-H-I-S I-S P-M. I'-M S-O-R-R-Y W-E D-E-S-T-R-O-Y-E-D Y-O-U-R N-U-V-E-E-N-A--
Tork: (Upon hearing the word 'Nuveena', Tork goes nuts) RAAAAAAARRGH!!! NUVEEENAA!!!
Nabut: He's gone berserk!
(Tork first punches Nabut, now if we slow the scene you can see Tork uppercutting Nabut's lower jaw right through the roof of his mouth, and into his barin)
Nabut: GRAAAGH!!!
PM: Eeek!
(Tork then picks up Buffalo by the leg, and starts swinging him around like a club)
Buffalo: Yeeeeeha!!!... I mehn, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
(Tork then uses Buffalo to hit Sam, and then he throws buffalo right into the Juke Box)
Nick: Hey! We just fixed that... Wait, no stand back! AAAAAAA--
(Tork grabs nick by his hocky hair and flings him right through the roof)
PM; (thinking) .oO(Alright, it's up to me to stop this beast, but how...)
(While PM is thinking Tork GRABS HIS HAT)
PM: AAA! My hat!
(Tork then shakes out the egyptian hat, so it's all unfolded, and just a sheet now)
PM: *Shriek* (Faints)
Tork: Now, Tork go somewhere else!
6969: (Peeks out from behind a plant) Tork's gone loco!
Tork: Tork take Lita too! (picks up Lita6969, smashes down a wall, and runs away)
(Pm regains consciousness)
PM: Where does he think he's going! Let's get him! (No one is getting up, they're just moaning)
Rick: (Gets up from behind the bar) Is it over?
PM: Rick! Come on! We have to catch him, we can't let GROPE take him back, or find out I had him!
Rick: Why? After all that I'd think you'd be glad he left.
PM: Dammit, it's the principal of the thing! No one escapes Philly Marmalade... er... Pharaoh Mobius, NO ONE! (Thinking) .oO(Damn, now they got me doing it too!)
Rick: Even if they change into ten foot tall monsters?
PM: Um, yeah. Rick, look through the weapons under the counter, and get the tranq rifles.
Rick: Okay, let's see what we got: De-Atomizer... No... Electro Blasters... No... Pulse Wave Laser... No... Oh here they are, next to the dynamite launchers. (Grabs one, and tosses the other to PM)
PM: Let's get him!
(Both follow the path of destruction in hope of catching Tork)
(Meanwhile...)
Rex: Ya know, ever since I met that Servo jerk, my life has been terrible. But now that I'm on this island, everything seems to finally be coming together.
(Two lawyers approach)
Lawyer #1: Mr. Rex?
Rex: Yes?
Lawyer #2: It has come to our attention that you are no longer the AFLAC duck.
Rex: Yeah, that idiot Servo The Great made me loss my job.
Lawyer #1: Well, we don't house bums like you here. And for trying to pass yourself off as a still employed TV commercial icon, I sentence you to 20 years in prison, RIGHT NOW!
(Police boat pulls up on the shore)
Cop #1: We're also arresting your 'accomplice'! (Shows them Squecky)
Squecky: Wait, I had nothing to do with this! I'm the nice one, the NICE ONE! (gets tossed onto the boat)
Cop #2: You too, feather boy!
Rex: Feather boy? Is that an insult?
Cop #2: Well, um... SHUT UP! (drop kicks Rex onto the boat)
(Coming soon... Rex & Squecky Go To Jail)
ServoTheGreat
#2411
Whoa, quick correction to my last reply
Date: 09/03/2002
From: ServoTheGreat
I must've been tired when I read Tork's reply last night, cause I thought he turned into the hulk or something... (I gotta cut down on the comic books) Okay he's a bear, not the hulk. That's about all I wanted to correct.
Lita: Wiat, you brought that dumb duck back!
STG: Yeah, I wanna do a prison story line!
Lita: No, I hate that duck, AAAAAAA!!! (Lita also turns into a bear)
STG: HOLYMOLY,GOTTARUN!HOPETHISCLEARSEVERYTHINGUP!
#2412
Lita too?
Date: 09/03/2002
From: Tork_110
How did she turn into a bear? Did I get my bear cooties on her?
Or...? :o) (Tork's being horny again! Look out!)
#2413
Lita too?
Date: 09/03/2002
From: Tork_110
How did she turn into a bear? Did I get my bear cooties on her?
Or...? :o) (Tork's being horny again! Look out!)
#2414
<Tork is carrying 6969 through a jungle>
Date: 09/05/2002
From: Carmelita9000
...........................................................
<Yep. It's true. Gumby Clay is naturally attracted to trees. That's why MSTBlanca is always very *conveniently* appearing near forests and stuff. Anyhow, Tork has 6969 over his shoulder, but he stops running for now and puts her down.>
Tork: Here we are! <Tork looks around. Here doesn't seem to be anywhere special. But it seemed like the thing to say.> Grr.
6969: EEEEEK!!11! Please don't eat me, Mr. Bear!!1!
Tork: What? Oh, I'm not going to eat you. I don't eat people. That would be rude! Besides, I like you. Growl.
6969: But... but... Hey, Mr. Bear, how come you're talking normal all the sudden? Don't you mean "GRR! Me not eat human! GRR!"?
Tork: Oh that? Well, I was just really upset back there. I occasionally develop problems with my grammar when I'm really upset. But I've calmed down now! Snarl!
6969: But... How come your voice sounds like Torky's voice? You're a bear!!
Tork: I'm not a bear! I'm Tork! Don't you remember me? See the robot costume? Grr?
6969: You're not Tork! Tork isn't a bear! You're just wearing his costume!!! *gasp*!! YOU ATE TORK AND STOLE HIS COSTUME!!11! AND NOW YOU'RE GOING TO EAT ME!!11!!11! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH1!!1!!11! <6969 starts crying>
Tork: No! Really! Stop crying! Growl! I really am Tork! I just turn into a bear sometimes because this girl I used to know put an evil curse on me! But I am Tork! Please believe me, I wouldn't lie! Grunt!
6969: *sniff* Really?
Tork: Yeah! Growl!
<6969 isn't sure if she believes Tork yet, but she decides to go with it. She's smart enough to know that even if Tork is lying she should go along with what he says because she doesn't want an enraged bear on her hands. No, of course she's not flirting with him! 6969 at least sticks to her own species! Geez, you people!>
6969: Er... Ok, Mr. Bear...
Tork: Tork.
6969: Oh! Yes! Tork! Of course you're Tork, Mr. Bear!
***
<Meanwhile, also stomping through the jungle are Pharaoh Mobius and Rick! PM left a note at MSTBlanca informing the rest of his henchmen that when they regain consciousness they damn well better come assist the search OR ELSE!! In the meantime, it's just him and Rick.>
PM: I think they went that way... <he poins to a big path of destruction.>
Rick: No, I don't think that was Tork, Boss. I think it was just that gorilla. <He poins to the end of the path where a mighty gorilla is beating his chest and throwing trees around.>
PM: Right, right. Let's move on, shall we?
<They hurriedly move over to where the gorilla probably can't see them.>
Rick: Boy! This sure is a nice forest MSTBlanca landed next to this time, isn't it? All full of animals! Like that snake! <He poins to a snake lying in a tree> And that bird! <He poins to a majestic bald eagle swooping over a pond to catch a fish> And that octopus! <He poins to an octopus swimming around the bottom of a lake> And that tiger! <He poins to a tiger lurking between the trees> And that lion! <He poins to a lion that's just kind of lying around. It yawns> And that crocodile! <He poins to a crocodile running along the ground> And that alligator! <He poins to the same crocodile, but it seems to have changed into an alligator. That's odd.> And that eleph--
PM: Ok, ok. I get the idea!
Rick: --ant.
PM: It sure is strange that all these animals are gathered in the same jungle... They don't usually live together. And even if they did, they wouldn't be all out in the same clearing at the same time...
Rick: Yep. It sure is a strange world, Boss!
PM: I know what this is! It's stock footage!
Rick: It is?
PM: Yes! We're in a stock footage jungle! Movie makers when they send their characters off to stomp through jungles want there to be something to look at, so they throw all kinds of stock footage in so the audience will go "Oooo! A water buffalo! They sure must be in the jungle!"
Rick: <poining> You're right, Boss! And it's a really nice looking water buffalo too!
PM: We've got to hurry up and find Tork and Lita6969. This place is dangerous!
Rick: It is? Why?
PM: Because to make the place more interesting, stock footage jungles are always filled with stock footage of dangerous things! And sometimes they attack!
Rick: Oh, I think they'll be all right. They're the heroes in this jungle, aren't they? The heroes always make it. If anything, it's the villains that would be... <suddenly remembering which team he's on> ...*gulp*
PM: <Ignoring the logical conclusion to Rick's statement> No. We must find them now. They can't escape... You want to make sure Lita6969 is ok, don't you?
Rick: I don't think Tork would kill her, even if he is a bear...
PM: Yes. But this is a movie forest, remember? And do you know which character tends to die first in movies?
Rick: Of course! It's the the girl who has sex! ...OH NO!! Carmelita6969!!!
PM: Yes--
Rick: I'LL SAVE YOU, LITA6969!!1!! <He tears off through the trees.>
PM: <Following Rick> Am I good at employee encouragement or what? <He's having a hard time keeping up. He keeps getting smacked in the face with tree branches that snap back at him after Rick pushes them aside to get through.> Maybe I encouraged him a little too much...
Rick: Lita6969!! Are you out there-- aaaaAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!1!!1
PM: What? What is it?
<PM catches up to Rick, finding him up to his neck in some stock footage of a big mucky puddle>
Rick: Movie quicksand!!1!!
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
is not never has been and never will be
a bear
#2415
Relaaaaaaaax...
Date: 09/08/2002
From: Carmelita9000
That's too relaxed! Wake up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<Lita and Rimmi and some of the clones are taking their time off from the hectic lifestyle revenge brings. They're all in fluffy robes, reclining in lounge chairs. Their hair is wrapped up in towels getting a protein treatment. They have mud packs on their faces and cucumber slices over their eyes (except 2780 who keeps eating her slices). They also have freshly painted fingernails and toenails (except 2780 who can never manage to keep from smearing it all off before it dries). Even Kitty has its head wrapped in a washcloth. Some of U2's more mellow song stylings are playing softly in the background. It's all very nice.>
Rimmi: My margarita is getting low.
42: Mine too.
2780: I want more Kool Aid!
Lita: Ok, ok. Are you sure you don't want a drink 2112?
2112: Alcohol dulls the senses.
Lita: That's the whole poin! Oh, never mind. Evil Mike! We need some refills in here!
<Evil Mike comes in grumbling. He's shirtless and wearing tiny shorts.>
EM: I'll refill your stupid drinks but I don't see why I have to wear these stupid shorts.
Rimmi: Take them off then!
Lita: Not around 2780! 2780, close your eyes!
2780: Ok! <she does so>
EM: <taking the girls' empty glasses> This is completely poinless! It's not like you can even see me! You have those stupid cucumbers on your eyes! I'm putting on some pants!
Lita: Awww... How are you doing over there 8714?
8714: Zzzzzzzzzz...
Rimmi: I think she has the right idea.
Lita: Boy. This was such a great idea. I like vacation time. It's so nice. It's great to finally be able to relax--
<There is a loud crash and a lot of yelling comes from the other room.>
Rimmi: Dammit! Why did you have to say that, Lita!? You jinxed it!
Lita: I can handle this. I'm a babysitting pro. MICKEY!!! STG!!! THE TWO OF YOU BETTER BE GETTING ALONG IN THERE!!
Mickey & STG: <In the other room> WE ARE!!!!
Lita: There. You see? I know what I'm do--
<There is another loud crash and more loud yelling from the other room. Rimmi sits up and takes the cucumbers off her eyes. Lita follows suit.>
Rimmi: Evil Mike! Bring those morons in here!
42: Are you sure that's a good idea? I don't really want to look at those two...
Rimmi: Then keep the cucumbers on your eyes. I want to dish out some justice.
Lita: 2780, I don't think you want to be in the room for this.
2112: I'll take her.
<2112 takes 2780 by the hand and leads her out as Evil Mike, now fully clothed, drags Mickey and STG in. They're still handcuffed together, and they're punching at each other as they come in. Evil Mike punches them both and dumps them in front of Rimmi, Lita, 42, and 8714.>
Mickey: They're all glaring at us. That can't be good.
STG: Nice robes, girls! That junk on your face makes you look really ugly though.
Mickey: Shhh!
Lita: Shut up, STG. You boys are too noisy. Mickey, if you're going to have your little friends over to play you should at least try to get along and be quiet.
Mickey: He's not my friend! The only reason he's even here is because he's handcuffed to me!
STG: Mickey's mean! He's not a good host!
Rimmi: I might regret asking this, but what are you guys fighting about?
Mickey: He's stupid. We're just playing Mario Brothers--
STG: He won't let me be first player! He's making me be plehhy Luigi!
Mickey: It's my Nintendo! I can be first player if I want! Mario rules!
Rimmi: Why can't you take turns being Mario?
<Mickey and STG look at Rimmi like that's the dumbest thing they ever heard. But not for long because they remember about Rimmi's sword.>
Lita: I like being Luigi... he rocks...
STG: Mickey keeps hitting pause when I'm in the middle of jumping over pits and then when he unpauses I fall in and die!
Lita: Now, Mickey. That's cheating. Cheating is wrong. But I guess I can make allowances since it's just STG--
STG: HEY!! You guys suck!
Mickey: You suck!
<Mickey and STG start punching each other again.>
Lita: You two are impossible. And you probably started it, STG. Evil Mike, throw STG out of here.
EM: No problem!
STG: Ha ha! But you can't throw me out without throwing Mickey out!
EM: No problem!
Rimmi: Mickey stays.
EM: Dammit! <Evil Mike punches Mickey, leaves for a moment, and then returns with a saw.>
STG: Shows what you know, you stupid idiot! We already know that these handcuffs are indestructible!
EM: I'm not gonna saw through the handcuffs, Dumbass. <He positions the saw over STG's wrist> Hold still. This might sting a little.
STG: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!11!1!!11!!1
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
is sure STG can get one of those cool robot hands
#2416
Hey, that's my hand!
Date: 09/08/2002
From: ServoTheGreat
STG: My hand! AAAAAA!!! (STG is rolling around on the floor, bleeding like crazy)
EM: That was fun. I'm gonna cut off the other one!
Lita: NO! One's enough for one day!
STG: Grrr, YOU, Lita! YOU put him up to this! And that was my right hand, I WRITE WITH THAT HAND! (Poining at Lita with his severed wrist, and is squirting blood at her)
Mickey: Well, at least I'm free. (Runs off to play more Super Mario) Ha ha, I'm gonna get to be Mario!
STG: You rotten sacks of BLAH! You better do something about my hand!
Rimmi: Oh man, I'm still relaxing.
Lita: Yeah, but he's, like, bleeding like crazy.
Lita8714: (Awaken earlier by STG's crazy screaming) I gotta idea. (Leaves, and comes back with a box labeled, "Halloween Crap". She pulls out a plastic hook hand, and puts it on STG. The bleeding stops, but the complaining...)
STG: THIS! THIS, is your great idea! You shitwit!
Lita: Hey, don't talk to my clones like that!
STG: I'll speak however I please! You people cut off my hand!
Rimmi: Oh, stop your whining. We're going to go to PM's to get Mickey's handcuffs off--
STG: WHAT!? Why don't you just saw off HIS hand!
EM: He's one of us.
Lita: You're just... Servo The Great...
Rimmi: Anyway, he can probably give you a new hand, or something.
STG: (Pretty mad at this point) Well, are we going there soon?
Rimmi: No, we're still relaxing.
STG: GRRRRRR!!!
EM: Jeez, I almost forgot to throw you out.
(Before STG can get really mad, EM picks him up, and throws him out the door)
Mickey: Hey, Servo? Guess who's Mario right now.
(There it is, the snapping point)
STG: RRRAAAAAARRGGGHHHH!!!! (STG pounces the Nintendo, and tears it apart)
Mickey: NO! I was THIS close to actually beating the first level!
ServoTheGreat
#2417
whoa, Whoa, WHoa, WHOa, WHOA!
Date: 09/09/2002
From: MickeyTheGardener
No one.....*NO ONE*, challenges my Mario skills!!!!!!
Hey, STG, give me a hand....oh wait :o)
MTG etc
#2418
Evil Mike: Good*bye* STG!
Date: 09/09/2002
From: MickeyTheGardener
STG: What about my hand?
Evil Mike: We'll mail it to you.
STG: I must not leave until Mickey is destroyed!!!! And then....I SHALL BE THE MARIO!!!!!
Evil Mike: Look, I don't feel like paying any extra postage for any other limbs.
Rimmi: Or extremities. But I can't be bothered with that at the moment.
Evil Mike: (Picks STG up and throws him out....and hits the mailman with STG) Heh heh.....oops. You're not one of those gun toting mailmen, are you?
Mailman: Not recently. I'm looking for a GROPE.
Evil Mike: Stay away from me!!!! (Runs away)
Mailman: Huh....so I guess this isn't GROPE HQ. I knew it sounded like a strip joint.
Lita: OK, fine....this is GROPE HQ.
Mickey: Well, technically, this isn't, it's actually underneath us, and.....
Rimmi: Shhhhhhh.....utup.
Lita: Real nice secret HQ we had there.
Mickey: Really? Was it that secret? Thanks to Tork.
Lita: Hey, yeah....whatever happened to that guy anyway?
Mailman: Look, I have a letter for you.
2780: MAILLLLLLLLLLLLLTIMMMMMMMME!!!!!!
Mailman: Er, yes
Lita: I don't want to get up....Mickey, get that.
Mickey: Hey, I just got back *and* saw a horrific event up close! I'm all traumatized and tired and stuff
Lita: MICKEY!
Mickey: Fine (Takes the letter).
(Mailman stares at Mickey)
Mickey: What? Do I got something in my teeth?
Rimmi: He wants a tip, dummy
Mickey: Um......ok here (Starts to pick something up off the ground)
Lita: Not that!!
Evil Mike: I don't know....stamps are up to 37 cents.
Lita: I'll deal with you later.
Mickey: OK, all I got is a twenty, so could you....
Mailman: Yoink! (Runs off)
Mickey: I hate it when that happens......(Looks at the letter) Hey! It's from Tijuana!
Lita: Oh, you're mother want us to bail her out of jail again, Evil Mike?
Mickey: It's got the official GROPE gold seal on it....when did we get one of those?
Rimmi: Back in.....wait.....huh. Good question.
Mickey: (Opens the letter) From the President of Mexico GROPE.....oooh, a President!
Lita: Mexico GROPE? The hell???
Mickey: (Continues reading) Heh heh....it seems Jimmy and Cara have formed a Mexican chapter with Pedro at customs and a burro.
2780: Look at the picture! The donkey's wearing a hat!!!!!
Mickey: Anyway, they've run into financial trouble and they want us to send them....some....funding
Evil Mike: Damn foriegners taking money from hard working Americans!
Lita: We don't have the kind of money they're looking for.
Mickey: It says that if they don't get any funding, they'll have to live on the streets and sell the burro to the junior rodeo.
2780: Not Eeyore!!!! Other me, do something!!!!!!
Lita: I'd like to, but.....well, actually I really don't care.
2780: Won't someone please think of the donkey?!
Mickey: The mailman took all I had.
Evil Mike: Loser.
Mickey: Yeah, really.
Evil Mike: I meant you.
Mickey: Oh. (Reads more) Wow! There's a Great Lakes chapter of GROPE too with Cave Rimmer. Who knew?
Evil Mike: Screw them! We don't have the money, we don't have the money...plain and simple!
Lita: Evil Mike's right.
Mickey: But, Lita....they are fellow warriors in the fight against evil! In Mexico........which has no PM.....hey, yeah, screw them!
2780: *sniff* I want a donkey in a funny hat!!!!!
Lita: Let me see that.....hey, that's just a cardboard cut out of a donkey! They're trying to extort us!!!!
Mickey: No, it's a real donkey!
Lita: Mickey, you can see the wooden supports standing it up.
Mickey: Oh. I bet there isn't even a Pedro at Customs
(Lita and Evil Mike just stare at each other)
Mickey: Wow....that was awkward.
2780: *sniff* They already turned him into cardboard!!!!
The Bespectacled Mickey T. Gardener
BBoard Nice Guy
President of the I Hate Dawn Club
President of the John Lee Supertaster Fan Club
Post Narc x4
Oh, we've had people turn into bears and a talking cow. Like we can't have a fake donkey...
#2419
Who let the bears out?
Date: 09/10/2002
From: Tork_110
Grr, grr, grr, grr!!
<Tork is carrying Lita6969 some more.>
Lita6969: Why are you carrying me?
Tork: Well, duh. You're a woman.
Lita6969: Huh?
Tork: Women always have to be carried. It's a law or something.
<Tork continues carrying Lita6969 until he runs into an African tribe.>
Lita6969: Eek! They have us surrounded.
Tork: Hmm, there's something different about them...Aw GRRRap! They're a fake movie tribe!! We have to get out of here before we offend our readers!!
<Meanwhile, Rick is still stuck in the quicksand.>
Rick: Help!
PM: I can get you out of here, if I can figure out how to set my raygun to de-sandulator.
Rick: You just made that up!
PM: Nuh uh! It's like the disgronificator setting, but not quite.
Rick: Are you going to help me?
<PM doesn't care. He off in his own little world making up techno-babble as he goes.>
Rick: Ack! Something's grabbing me!
Spider guy from Horror from Spider Island: (groans)
Rick: Help!
PM: (snaps out of it) My bartender!
<Rick struggles with the Spider as PM finally assists him. After a long struggle, PM pulls Rick out. The spider guy sinks to his death.>
PM: ...
Rick: ...
Both: YAY!!!
Tork_110
Yup, pretty weak, but it might go somewhere...maybe.
#2420
<Tork and Lita6969 are in trouble>
Date: 09/10/2002
From: Tork_110
<The leader of the tribe appears.>
Malla: Ahh, you, white woman. And you, white man cursed as a bear.
Tork: Hey! <looks at the Hollywood tribe> Speaking of white...
<The tribesmen poin their spears at Tork's throat.>
Malla: We're dying out, and you could help us.
<She puts on the pinial ring. Tork gets scared and loses his bear strength>
Lita6969: NOOOOOOO!!!!
Tork: GRR?! What will we do!?
<Several hours later...>
Lita6969: :oD
Tork: ...wow, that's impressive.
Lita6969: :oD
Tork: I mean, you have a gift.
Lita6969: :oD
Tork: Aren't you tired?
Lita6969: No, Mr. Bear. :oD
Tork: Just checking.
<Malla can be heard cursing in the distance as Tork and 6969 continue to move through the jungle>
Tork_110
Sadly, this tribe of extras no longer exist.
#2421
[Meanwhile, in Mexico...]
Date: 09/11/2002
From: JimmyMobius
<<<Hey! There's a NEW Mexico!>>>
[...Jimmy and Cara are walking along a dusty road. As they walk, they're bickering (ah, newlyweds! =)).]
[Cara] Well at least my plan to get money *worked*, you big weenie!
[Jimmy] But our fellow GROPE members are supposed to be heroes! They should be obliged to help out fellow heroes in distress!
[Cara] You think maybe they figured out the whole stupid "GROPE Mexico" thing was fake? Some hero, lying to his friends! Hmmmph, "donkey sidekick" indeed!
[Jimmy] I thought the donkey sidekick lent the whole thing a touch of authenticity! Animal sidekicks just scream "heroic!"
[Cara] Maybe if the donkey wasn't so obviously fake...
[Jimmy] Like we could afford a donkey in a hat! Or even just a hat, for that matter...
[Cara] Well, we can now, thanks to my quick thinking back in Guadalajara. But we're NOT buying one! We're buying a car!
[Jimmy] I thought marriage partners were supposed to share their resources!
[Cara] Speak for yourself, mister "Oh no, I can't accept your money for saving your life! Seeing justice served is its own reward!!!1!"!
[Jimmy] But serving justice *is* its own reward! Don't you feel good knowing that we saved the Mexican President's life?
[Cara] I feel better about going back afterward and collecting the reward money that you turned down!
[Jimmy] You, you... WOMAN, you! So I earned that money after all!!!
[Cara] And you turned it down. It was my quick thinking that got us-- I mean, ME, that money. So it's mine to spend how I want! And I want a car to drive back to America!
[They continue on in awkward silence for a time. After awhile, Cara pulls a piece of paper out of her pocket and checks over it.]
[Cara] Okay... through the tunnel, check. Past the gushing geyser, check. Past the spouting oil rigs, check. And... across from the giant rocket... check. Well, we're here.
[Jimmy] Yes. Freud Motors, the only English-speaking car dealership in this part of Mexico.
[Various signs at the lot read "Don't repress your desire for a new car... shop Freud Motors!", "Freud Motors loves mothers!", and "Free donuts and hot dogs for the kids!" After a scant fifteen seconds, an oily car salesman slinks up to Cara and Jimmy.]
[Salesman, to Jimmy and largely ignoring Cara.] Hi, folks. Welcome to Freud Motors. I'm Sal, and I'll be your salesman today. What can I get you today?
[Cara] We're looking for a--
[Sal, grabbing Jimmy's shoulder.] What's your name, pardner?
[Jimmy] Uh, er, Jimmy. And this is--
[Sal] Jimmy, would you like me to show you a car that, if I may be so bold, is the perfect car for you?
[Cara, a bit perturbed.] Actually, I'm the one looking fo--
[Sal, still ignoring Cara.] Right this way. Check this baby out: The Freud Stallion convertable. Six-cylinder, dual-overhead cam, 300 horsepower. Zero to sixty in five seconds. I like to call it the "midlife crisis-mobile." [He snickers at his joke.] What would it take for me to get you to drive this baby home today?
[Cara quite aggravated now.] We're not looking for a sportsc--
[Jimmy] Umm... it's a little *flashy*, don't you think?
[Sal, with a knowing wink.] I gotcha. You want something a little more practical. Something that you and the little lady can use even as you grow your family. I've got just the thing.
[Cara] *Little lady*?!?!? Who the f--
[Sal, oblivious to Cara's protests, walks them over to a large, Cadillac-type car.]
[Sal] Now here's a car you can drive the whole family around in, and do it with style: The 2002 Freud Priapus. Fully-loaded, eight-cylinder engine with overdrive, and full safety features including antilock brakes and smart airbag system. Don't worry, sweet cheeks, you can crank out all the babies you want, and there'll *still* be room for 'em!
[Cara, seething, grabs Sal by the face and makes him look her in the eyes.] Look, jerkwad. *I'm* the one with the money here, not him. I'm not looking for some testosterone-laden fantasy car to cruise for co-eds in, and I'm not looking for some gas-guzzling behemoth to stink up the air with exhaust fumes. I'm a smart, capable woman who probably knows more about cars than *this* loser [Jimmy: HEY!], and I'm NOT particularly interested in "cranking out babies", thankyouverymuch.
[Sal chuckles nervously. His attitude becomes apologetic, though still somewhat condescending.] Look, babe--
[Cara] My name is CARA.
[Sal] All right, sorry, Cara. Look, I see how it is now. Why don't you show me the car you want, and we'll go from there?
[Cara smiles.] Very good.
[Half an hour later, Cara is at the wheel of a purple, no-frills, environmetally-friendly compact car. Jimmy is in the passenger seat, looking somewhat sheepish. As they drive by Sal, he smiles and waves.]
[Sal, to Jimmy.] Heh, enjoy your "it's personality that counts-mobile", bub. [He snickers, and Jimmy slinks lower in the seat. The car pulls out onto the road, toward the border.]
[Cara] So, we're finally headed back to America.
[Jimmy, somewhat dejectedly] Yes. That's true.
[Cara] Oh, don't be so grumpy. This is honestly the best car that we could afford. It runs like a top, and with the gas milage it gets, we shouldn't have to stop more than a few times for gas on the way back to Not Europe.
[Jimmy] Yeah, I guess.
[Cara] I know, some music will cheer you up. You have any CDs you want to listen to?
[Jimmy] See... dees? Are they anything like phonograph records?
[Cara] Well, kind of. Except that CDs use better technology, and don't sound like ass!
[Jimmy] I don't have any "CDs", as you call them.
[Cara] All right then, Indigo Girls and Lilith Fair it is!
TmPM
Another RP response? It must be Wednesday.
Sarcophagus!
#2422
<On through the stock footage jungle...>
Date: 09/12/2002
From: Carmelita9000
...........................................................
<Tork and Carmelita6969 see some stock footage of a wolf!>
6969: A wolf? In the middle of a jungle?
<This isn't actually the strangest thing about this wolf. The stock footage shows it standing in a snowy forest. How a big huge pile of snow is supposed to have gotten into this warm tropical jungle for the wolf to stand on is beyond me, but there it is. Stock footage jungles have weird scary powers over the people inside them. Tork and 6969, having been walking around in one for quite some time now, don't even notice the inconsistency between the stock footage they see and their other surroundings.>
Tork: The wolf is looking at us...
6969: I think he wants to attack, Mr. Bear!
Tork: Rarr. Oh, I'm sure he's as afraid of us as we are of him--
<At this the wolf lunges at Carmelita6969>
6969: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!11!1!!!
Tork: I'll protect you!!!
<Tork leaps between 6969 and the wolf, and the wolf lands on Tork instead. He starts biting. Now that the wolf is in the actual scene instead of the stock footage, it looks more like somebody's loveable golden retriever who is just playing, instead of a ravenous attacking wolf. But we're not supposed to notice that. Tork and 6969 don't notice either.>
Tork: Ouch!! For once-- YOW!!!1 I'm glad I have my-- OWW!! bear strength!1!! GRRRR!!!
<Too bad for Tork. An attempt to take an evil wolf attack for 6969 counts as a good deed, even if the wolf was planning to kill them both anyway. Movie wolves are very strong and have an unlimited appetite. And though real life wolves work in packs, this isn't always true for movie wolves. But I'm getting off track. Tork's selfless act is a good deed, and he's turned back into a human. A human who is being attacked by a wolf.>
Tork: Oh sh--OWWW!!11!
<Just then>
Voice from the shadows: I'll save you!
6969: Lita98? Is that you?
<A Lita clone steps out. She's all in leopard skins and is carrying a spear.>
98: Yes! It's me! <poining her spear threateningly at the wolf> And I can save you from this wolf because I--
Another Voice from the Shadows: Hold it! Hold it!
<Cave Rimmer, looking mightily pissed off, steps out.>
Cave Rimmer: You people are morons. Do you know that?
Lita: CUT! CUT! <Lita steps in holding a script of the scene and a megaphone.> CAVE RIMMER, YOU'RE NOT-- <she takes the megaphone away from her mouth.> Cave Rimmer, you're not in this scene. Sparky! Sit!
<The "wolf" obediently climbs off Tork and sits to one side. He scratches his ear with his hind leg.>
Cave Rimmer: I know I'm not in this scene. That's the problem. I've been waiting around for months for you people to give me something to do, and when a part finally comes up that's a natural for my character, what do you do? You give it to *her*! <She poins accusingly at Lita98.>
Lita: What's wrong with 98? She's a sweetheart. And she's perfect for this role--
Cave Rimmer: SHE'S ME!!
98: Actually, I'm Lita. See, I'm her clone. That's where you take a person's DNA and make an exact--
Cave Rimmer: Shut up, Bit Stealer!
98: Yes'm.
Cave Rimmer: Look. There's only room for *one* Cavegirl in this rp. And that's me! She's just going to have to find herself another rp to play in.
98: Actually, I wouldn't say I'm a Cavegirl so much as a Jungle Girl--
Cave Rimmer: Get lost! <She raises her club>
98: Ok! <She starts to back away>
Lita: Hey, hold on 98! You don't have to let Cave Rimmer bully you like that!
98: I don't mind! Really! I'll just go be a Jungle Girl somewhere away from here! <She high-tails it out of the rp>
Lita: Well, Cave Rimmer, I hope you're pleased with yourself.
Cave Rimmer: I am.
Lita: Ok... I guess since we need somebody to take this part, you can do it.
Cave Rimmer: I intend to.
Lita: Ok, people. From where Tork's getting et by the wolf. After he turned back to a human though, because really, how many costume changes do we want to do? <Lita speaks to the wolf while poining at Tork.> Sparky! Attack, boy! Attack!
<The wolf barks happily and wags his tail, then jumps on Tork and they start to wrestle.>
Tork: Awwwwww! Is da woof gonna bite me? Yes! Da woof's gonna bite me! Dat woof shouldn't bite me! But he's gonna! Yes he's gonna! Awwwwww!
Lita: Tork, you're supposed to be terrified. Get back in character.
Tork: Ok, sorry. AHHHHH!!!1!
Lita: All right. <Getting back into her director's chair and using the megaphone again> WOLF ATTACK. TAKE TWO. AAAAND ACTION!!
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
is directing this scene herself
because our former director was turned into
an anteater.
Remember?
Lita doesn't want anteaters messing up her scene.
Stay tuned for Part Two!
#2423
Tork: Owie owie owie!!!
Date: 09/12/2002
From: Carmelita9000
............................................................
<Tork is being attacked by a wolf.>
6969: Oh dear! You really are Torky and not a bear! And I didn't believe you! I'm so sorry!
Tork: Apology accepted-- OUCH!! We can talk it out-- GAH!!11! When I'm not being devoured. YARRGH!!!1 Ok?
<Just then, Cave Rimmer leaps out of the shadows!>
Cave Rimmer: I'll save you from that horrible wolf! <She swats the wolf lightly on the behind with her club> Get lost, foul wolf!
<The wolf scampers away happily with his tongue hanging out.>
Tork: <sitting up> Cave Rimmer! You saved me! But... I thought you were at GROPE HQ!
Cave Rimmer: Nobody was really paying any attention to me there, so I snuck out weeks ago. I can't believe nobody noticed...
Tork: <Thinking swiftly> Er... well... I haven't been there for a while either! So probably they did notice and I just wasn't there to notice them noticing!
Cave Rimmer: Yeah. Fine. Ok. So anyway, I've been living happily in this jungle for a while now. Wanna see my treehouse?
Tork: You have a treehouse? That's so cool!
Cave Rimmer: Uh huh. It's right over there. <She poins to a wooden ladder about three feet away from our heroes.>
6969: Funny we didn't notice that earlier.
Cave Rimmer: Let's go up!
6969: *giggle* I'm more used to saying "Let's go d--
***
<After a well-timed scene change, we find Carmelita6969, Cave Rimmer, and Tork all standing around in the treehouse.>
Cave Rimmer: So! What do you think?
Tork: Er...
6969: Well...
Tork: Uh...
6969: It sure is up in a tree!
Tork: Yeah! It is! You did a great job of putting it up in a tree!
Cave Rimmer: You were expecting something a bit more elaborate, weren't you?
<Everybody looks around. It really isn't much. It's sturdy but it's only about 4 feet wide and 7 feet long. There are walls, of a sort, but no roof at all. Really, it's the kind of treehouse you would expect a kid to have in his back yard. But in a jungle?>
Tork: Well...
Cave Rimmer: I'm so sorry it's not the freaking Ewok Village. There's only so much one person can do with no tools and few carpentry skills.
6969: Maybe you could call 8714 and see if she could--
Cave Rimmer: Oh. I don't need *her* help.
<Cave Rimmer narrows her eyes and pulls a branch out of the way, revealing a view of a tree a some distance off. Nestled in the branches of the tree is a great big multilevel mansion. It looks like a dang Barbie Dreamhouse in the top of a tree. Only not pink.>
Tork: Oh... I see...
Cave Rimmer: Show-Off...
6969: It looks like it has a lot of space. I'm sure she wouldn't mind letting you stay in one of the rooms there instead of in this--
Tork: Shhhh!
6969: What's wrong, Torky? I'm just saying that Cave Rimmer might be more comfortable in--
Tork: This is a very nice treehouse, Cave Rimmer! You did a great job! We'd be happy to stay here for the night-- That is, if we're welcome to.
Cave Rimmer: Yeah, sure, go ahead. I don't mind company... It's not very roomy...
6969: We don't mind sleeping really close together!
Tork: Shhhh!
6969: What?
Cave Rimmer: Yeah... I'm going to go hunt some food or something... You guys can stay here and get settled.
<Cave Rimmer grabs a vine rope and swings away. Carmelita6969 looks at Tork and pouts.>
Tork: What's wrong?
6969: You shushing me!
Tork: I'm sorry! I just didn't want you to hurt her feelings!
6969: I was being nice!
Tork: You were-- Nevermind. Let's not fight.
6969: *sigh* Ok. <pause> I'm sorry I thought you were a bear.
Tork: Don't worry about it.
6969: <pause> So what do you wanna do?
Tork: I don't know, what do you wanna do?
6969: *grin*
Lita
Queen Bitch
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice Prez of the Draco Malfoy Fan Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Dawn Club
Vice Prez of the I Hate Spekkio Club
Let's have a round of applause for Sparky, shall we?
*applause*
Next up: Tork screws up the plot, and that skinny guy escapes
Back to the heroics of the cow
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